does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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