you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
