If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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