I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
