Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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