So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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