I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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