Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
