batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
