Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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