so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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