Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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