I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
