I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
