when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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