Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Randomize
