If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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