so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
