I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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