haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
