Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize
