Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
