It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
