yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
