I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
