Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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