my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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