i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Randomize
