the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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