I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
