There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
