I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
