there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
