my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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