You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
When did angry sex become our thing?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
