I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
