this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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