I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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