Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
