so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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