she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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