see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Randomize
