You can't special order awesome
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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