one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
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