so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
