My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
i drank out of a bidet.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
