Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
