Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You're breaking my sexual little heart
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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