I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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