So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
